


I Don't Want to Hate You

by himster85



Category: The Moffatts
Genre: F/M, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 01:20:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himster85/pseuds/himster85
Summary: Jesse is finally done with college and is ready to start her adult life in the arms of her long time best friend turned boyfriend but they get off to a rather rocky start.  Will their relationship be able to survive the most terrible thing that has ever happened to her?





	1. Chapter 1

I ran through the halls of the dorm, not being able to wait another minute for freedom. It was finally the last day of the last year of my school life, all I wanted was to hop on that plane and start my new life. That is, the life I had waiting for me in Toronto with my boyfriend of two years and best friend for as long as I could remember, Scott. He already had a townhouse on the outskirts of the city and had lined me up a job so, for the first time in almost two decades, we could actually be together.

I flung the last suitcase in the back seat of the taxi and took one last long look at the place that had been my home for the past four years. I wish I could’ve said that I would miss it but, standing there at that moment all I saw in front of me were opportunities to do better than that shabby brick structure. I had no idea that in the months to come I would give anything to be in the solidarity and safety of that building.

I called Scott before boarding the plane and got no answer at the townhouse. I was used to Scott not being home, so it didn’t bother me much at first. He’s in a band struggling to become something in Canada so, he was always out doing radio shows and gigs, all that regular band stuff at any hour of night and day. It wasn’t until I couldn’t reach him on his cell, or any of the band members that I started to freak out.

I called the only other person I could think of, a close friend of all them, Sammie. “Sammie, hey, it’s me. Are you by any chance near Scott?” I asked, uncomfortably shifting my carry-on bag from one shoulder to the other. I tried not to talk to her too much and had always gotten the feeling that she didn’t like me. Scott told me once that she always thought I was trying to steal him and his brothers from her. Which was a completely ludicrous thought because I hardly ever spent time with Scott’s brothers, I always was with Scott, him being my best friend and all. Scott and his brothers had been in a band for almost as long as I had known them, taking them all over the world and sometimes me with them. I spent every summer on tour with them, going all over Canada, Europe, sometimes America, I even got to go down to Antarctica on a cruise during my winter break one year. Even with all this time I spent with the family, I hardly ever talked to the triplets. The triplets would be, Dave, Bob, and Clint, which composed the other members of the band. Once their band broke up and Scott started a new band without them, I hardly ever even saw the triplets.

I heard her scoff as I sifted my bag again. I rolled my eyes and suppressed the need to blow up at her. “Jesus, Jess. I thought by now you’d be able to keep tabs on him. It’s not like he goes that many places.”

“Sorry, it’s kinda hard when we’re in different countries,” I said, scoffing right back at her.

“Oh… I thought you were moving in with Scott.”

“Yeah, I am. I’m about to board the plane and just wanted to make sure Scott was going to meet me at the airport in Toronto.” I heard the PA system start to announce the boarding of my plane and became even more anxious.

“Oh, well, he’s probably getting ready for the party tonight—“

“What??!! He’s having a party tonight? Of all nights... Well, if you see him, tell him that he better be at the airport or I’m turning around and going back home.” I hastily hung up the phone and rushed to my gate. The anxiety of my day and this new era of life was weighing heavily on me. I wondered how hostile and garbled the message would get before it was conveyed to Scott. I should never have lost my cool like that with Sammie.

Like I said, Scott and I have been friends for an eternity. Then two years ago, that’s two years ago to the date, we had decided to give a real relationship a shot. He had never disappointed me before and I prayed beyond all hope that he would never do so. Anticipation rose to a dangerous level as I was exiting the plane two hours later in the Toronto airport. I hadn’t really decided what I would do when he wasn’t there, not wanting to have to face that truth.

I had gotten my mind prepared for heartache by the time I got to baggage claim when I saw him. He was standing by a set of entrance doors, hands in pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. He had let his hair grow out since the last time I had seen him when it had been bald. He had his naturally brown hair grown out to about an inch and a half long. It was spiky and dyed a deep rich red color. I stood by baggage claim for a minute just watching him, fearing if I looked away he’d disappear.

I realized I had been holding my breath and let it out in one big rush before walking over to him. My legs slowly picked up speed and began to run over to him. I leapt into his arms and squeezed him as tight as I could. “Thank God you’re here, I missed you so much,” I whispered into his ear.

He looked deep into my eyes. His gorgeous eyes that had pierced into me ever since we were young, and I felt I could melt into a puddle right there. “Of course, I’m here,” he said, smiling a little, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I called Sammie and she said you were gone, getting ready for a party. Please, Scott, for the love of God, tell me you are not having a party tonight,” I said, running a frustrated hand through my hair.

“Well, the gang’s in town tonight and tonight only. I didn’t think you would have a problem with it. I mean you like the guys, right?”

I heaved a heavy sigh and let out a little grunt before continuing in a facetious tone, “Sure, I do. Love ‘em so much, why not invite them over on our anniversary? That’ll make for a lot of fun. They always felt like family.”

I saw the anger leave his eyes and shame cloud over his face. He bit his lower lip and looked me in the eye again. “God, Jess, I am so sorry. I didn’t remember… Well, I mean of course I remembered our anniversary was coming up I just, guess I thought it was further away or something. I’m so sorry and I promise I will do anything to make it up to you.”

I just stared at him for a few seconds before walking off to get my bags. He rushed after me voicing his repentance. I grabbed two of my bags and put the other two at his feet saying, “Scott, I don’t want to argue about this, especially not now. I just want you to know that I am deeply, deeply upset and there is nothing you can do to make this right. But, I’ll put a smile on my face and get through the night. But in the morning, we will be talking about this.”

“Please don’t be mad, please?? I bought you a present, I was going to get you flowers, the whole nine yards,” Scott said running up after me trying to keep pace, “I just forgot the exact date. It’s the thought, right?”

I turned to glare at him but let my defenses down at the sight of him. His eyes were full of remorse and all the shine was gone from his face. I instantly regretted making him feel so bad about himself. I sighed again and gave in. I set down my bags and hugged him once more. “All right, Scott. You’re off the hook, this time. I just really wanted tonight to be special. I didn’t plan on spending it with… wait, who’s coming?”

“My brothers, the band, some other guys. I’m actually not too sure, you know how it is. Everybody who wants to come ends up coming and then some.”

I picked my suitcases back up and continued walking outside. “Sammie isn’t going to be there, is she?” I said, laughing a little at the look on his face, “I don’t hate her, so don’t say that. You know how I feel.”

“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t make it right. We’ve been friends with her just as long as with you so, it’s not like we can just get rid of her. Plus, she’s a good hook up.” When my eyebrows arched at the comment, he rushed on, “You know what I mean, she has good industry contacts for the band. And, I don’t know if she’s coming. She said she might swing by for a few minutes but can’t stay long because she has class in the morning.”

“I’ll try my best to be nice to her, but I’m not promising anything.”

The ride to Scott’s townhouse was deathly quiet and I was somewhat thankful for it. I kept looking at Scott over in the driver’s seat and feeling my heart drop a little more each time. I was struggling with myself trying to decide if I was making too big a deal out of this. I couldn’t just forget about it, I wanted him to know just how special and important I had wanted that night to be. You see, Scott was the first real boyfriend I had ever had and certainly one of the only guys I had ever trusted. Now he was making me second guess that trust.


	2. Chapter 2

When we pulled up into the driveway half a dozen cars were already there. I gave Scott a sideways look and watched as he turned off the car. He sighed, ran his hands through his hair and just sat there. “Can we please talk about this now? I can tell you’re really pissed off and, hey, I was looking forward to tonight too. I really missed you and couldn’t wait to get you here. I don’t want you mad at me. I don’t like being the bad guy,” he said, staring straight ahead, making a point out of not looking at me.

“Scott…” my voice trailed off as he faced me with tears in his eyes. In all my years of knowing Scott I had never, ever seen him cry. He’d had his heartbroken countless times, lost awards he thought they should’ve won, been pissed off and made fun of more time than I could count, but he always endured. He was one of the strongest people I knew and now right here in front of me my whole belief system in him was crumbling.

I couldn’t think of a thing to say after that. I just sat there staring at him, trying to keep myself from crying. It appeared our roles were reversing, I was going to have to be the strong one for a change. I was always the one that cried over everything, a D on a research paper, a high credit card bill, anything and everything and I ran to the phone to cry over it to Scott.

I reached out a hand to brush a tear away and he fell onto me in a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and he wrapped his around my waist. “Let’s not do this anymore,” he whispered when he finally let go of me, “I love you so much.”

I smiled at him, trying to get him the cheer up a little, nodded my head and gave him a kiss on the check. “I love you too, Scottie,” I said, using the nickname I had had for him since we had been kids. “No more hard feelings. I didn’t mean to get you so upset.”

Scott swiped at his eyes before reaching to open the door. I touched his shoulder and when he turned around, I moved closer to him. He smiled at me and reached out to stroke my cheek as our lips touched. Our lips danced with each other as my hand roamed over his T-shirt clad chest. His lips moved away from mine and down to my neck as his hand edged up under my shirt. We broke apart as a loud car horn honking behind us shook me half way out of my skin.

“Jesus,” he whispered and whipped around to see who it was.

I let go of him and moved to get out of the car. I walked around to the back to see Clint and Bob sitting in the car behind his making kissy faces at Scott and me. Scott just casually flipped them off and started towards the townhouse. I waited for Clint and Bob to get out of the car and ran over to greet them.

“Hey Jess,” Bob said, hugging me so hard he picked me up and spun me around, “All done with college finally?”

“Yup,” I said giving Clint a hug, “I’m missing graduation but frankly I just don’t give a shit. I told them to mail me the damned diploma.”

The guys laughed and followed me into the townhouse. When we walked in I saw about ten people were there already, most of whom I didn’t know or didn’t know well enough to say much more than ‘hi’ to. Scott walked over to me with a beer in hand. “You want anything?” he asked, nodding a ‘hello’ to each of his brothers.

“No,” I replied as Clint and Bob each went to get beers, “I’m good.”

“Come on luv,” Scott said, putting one arm around my waist, “We gotta get you loosened up a bit.”

I smiled a bit wanly, “Maybe later.”

Four hours later I had had enough of all the loud people and louder music. “Scott!!!” I yelled running through the townhouse. I found him rolling joints in the band room in the basement, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” he said, standing up from the table gesturing to the guy beside him to finish the job, “What’s up?”

“I’m going to bed. It’s been a long, hard day and I just need to relax so…”

“So, you want me to ask everyone to leave?”

“I didn’t say it but…”

“Consider it done. And Jess…… I’m really sorry how tonight turned out. Knowing you, you had something spectacular planned for tonight, sorry I had to ruin it.”

I paused for a second, deeply touched by his words. He was right, I did have something special planned for that night but, decided it could wait 24 hours. “That’s all right, Scottie. It’s only eleven, the night’s still young. Maybe it can still be special,” I said, giving him a lingering kiss before running back upstairs.

I tried to slip through the masses of people to get to the second flight of stairs without being seen but failed. One of Scott’s friends, George, followed me to the stairwell. “Where are you going, Kay Bear?” he asked, leaning against the banister.

I glared at him and wanted to stab him for using Scott’s pet nickname for me. Ever since we had been kids, Kay Bear had been what he called me when he wanted to be cute. It had started when we were younger, he called me “Jay Bear” once and I misheard him, so he had been calling me “Kay Bear” ever since.

I didn’t like George saying it. He had always creeped me out, I could never put my finger on why but usually tried avoiding him when possible. “I’m going to bed, it’s been a long day,” I said, pushing his arm off the banister and continuing on my way, thinking he’d take the hint and leave me alone.

“Mind if I join you?” he hollered up behind me. The only response he got was my middle finger and the slam of Scott’s door.

I quickly stripped off my clothes and pulled on the short shorts and tank top that my p.j.s consisted of. I slid in-between the cool sheets and, despite the loud music still thrumming through the house, immediately drifted off into a deep sleep. I woke up some time later to the door opening and closing. No longer hearing any music from downstairs, I assumed Scott had actually ended the party and was coming to bed.

I sat up part way and saw his figure outlined in the little moonlight that was coming through the blinds. “Scott, baby, is that you?” I asked, squinting to see him.

His silhouette nodded, so I laid back down, trying to go back to sleep. “Well, come on to bed, it’s getting late.”

I felt him lay down beside me and one of his arms wrapped around my waist. “You smell like cheap weed and beer,” I said, laughing a little as I rolled over to face him.

I get no response but a kiss, which quickly became hard and domineering. “Whoa, babe, slow down,” I said pushing away from him. His hands then went to my shorts and they soon found their way onto the floor along with my underwear.

“Not tonight, babe,” I said, bending over to pick them up.

I got slammed back onto the bed. This was when I started to worry a little. Scott’s not a wimp, and I’m not overly fat, but he’s never been able to fling me around with such strength before. I heard the sound of pants being unzipped and then it was too late. My virginity, which I had been saving for so long for such a special person, was spilled out on Scott’s bed.


	3. Chapter 3

I screamed before I fully knew what was going on and tried to push the body off of me. I pushed his head back in the moonlight and realized, it wasn’t Scott at all. Instead I was lying underneath of George. I screamed again and got a fist in the face, and again with the same result. I bit my lip trying to keep from crying. Anytime a sound escaped my lips, I was rewarded with another punch to my face or body. I refused to let him have the upper hand, I had taken so many self-defense classes, been taught time and time again what to do in this situation but none of that came to the surface in that instant. I couldn’t help but think when it started, I thought it was Scott and I was angry. I was angry that he had taken my virginity without so much as a question about it, without any compassion, none of what I thought it should be.

I sat under him for I don’t know how long before finally gathered the strength to push George away from me and scream, and scream, and scream. I didn’t stop screaming until I saw Scott fling open the door and turn on the light. This was when I slid off the bed and began sobbing. Scott took one look at the blood all over me and the bed and leapt at George. His fists started to fly into George’s face and it wasn’t until Clint and Bob came in and pried him off that he stopped. “What the hell is going on?” Bob yelled, fighting Scott off of George.

George stood up, laughing, blood actually streaming from his face. “Just some innocent fun,” he said with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Scott lunged at him again, pulled back again by his brothers. I just sat there crying, unable to stop. A few more people started to gather around the door to the room and Clint yelled at one of them to call an ambulance. Sammie, who had deemed two a.m. not too late to stay up on a school night, rushed into the room and was by my side in an instant. She was pushing hair back from my face, making soothing noises, and all I could do was cry. I hadn’t even really comprehended what was going on, I just hurt, everywhere, outside and in and so I just cried. She held me and murmured comforting words to me while I rocked back and forth and cried and sobbed until my throat felt raw.

It wasn’t until Scott knelt in front of me that I stopped crying. I took one look in his eyes and tears didn’t seem like enough anymore. I grabbed a hold of him as if he was the only life raft in an ocean of water and pain. He just held me, knowing that words weren’t enough either.

At one point, I’m not sure if it was in the ambulance, before, or after, I passed out due to loss of blood, shock, trauma, or maybe a combination of these things. I awoke the next morning to Scott’s concerned face and a headache to rival any hangover I had ever had. I thought about smiling but the muscles in my face hurt too badly to respond and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to at that moment. I stared down at the sheet covering my body, somehow expecting it to be covered in blood to match the horrors inside my head.

I looked up at Scott again and realized that he had stitches in one eyebrow and the eye was almost swollen shut. “Scottie, I’m so sorry,” I said softly, one tear escaping from my own swollen eye.

“Hey there,” he said, picking up my hand and squeezing it for a second, “I’m glad you’re awake.”

I pulled my hand back from him. “Scott, I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t we just forget it, it’s just something else shitty that’s happened in my life.”

“Dammit Jess, it wasn’t just something that happened.” Scott stood up from the chair by the bed he had been sitting in and started to pace the room. He came back by the bed, “The stupid fucker took it from you, just stole it. I didn’t even know, Jess. Did you know that? I had no idea you were a virgin. Until the motherfucker was in handcuffs gloating about it. Your fucking best friend for twenty years and I didn’t even know that much about you.”

“Yeah, I know, that’s because I never told you. But, Scott, it’s too late for that to matter now. He got to it before you, nothing can change that, it would’ve been yours, but it just didn’t happen that way.”

"I don't know how you can be so relaxed about this."

“Because, I don’t want to think about it. Please, don’t make me. I don’t want to think about how scared and hurt I was. And Scott, the worse part was, when he came into the room, I thought it was you. I thought it was you and I hated you. The second ‘it’ was gone, I HATED you. I thought it was you who took my virginity so carelessly, effortless. And I don’t want to think about it because I don’t want to hate you.” Putting it into word made bile come up to the back of my throat and the hate roared back to life inside my mind.

Scott sat back down and just stared at me for two whole minutes. I couldn’t look in his eyes, every time I did I thought about what had happened. I couldn’t help it. “So,” he said eventually, his fingers messaging his temples, “What are we going to do about this?”

“Seems to me there are only so many things we can do. We can just walk away, pretend we never knew each other, give wounds time to heal before even trying to be friends again. We can work through this, like we always do, rebuild my trust in guys which was shaky before all this even began. Go through all this hell together, fix it together, the way a real working relationship would do. Or, we can just go on like we were, I could move back to the US and we can see each other a few times a year and act happy in that time together.”

“Please, Dear God, tell me you’re leaning towards option two.” Scott looked at me with pleading, guilty, sad eyes, sadder than I could ever remember him being before, “I refuse to lose you.”

“I honestly don’t know at this point Scott. I haven’t had enough time to think through anything yet. Just, gimmie a few days, all right?” I reached up a hand to caress the side of his face, but my hand stopped short.

“Well, where are you going to stay, if you don’t want to stay with me?” he asked, grabbing my hand and finishing its journey to his cheek. He heaved a deep sign as my skin connected with his and gave my palm a quick kiss before letting go of my hand.

“I have no idea. How long are they keeping me here?” I took back my hand and fought the urge to wipe it off on the sheet. I knew I shouldn’t be blaming him or hating him for what happened, he had no part in it. But there was a part of my brain that just wasn’t ready to forgive him yet.

He shrugged, “Maybe until tonight, maybe a few more days. They’re not too sure yet, they have to wait to get test results back.”

“Test results? What kind of tests?”

“I dunno STD tests I guess. I didn’t really ask I was just worried about whether or not you were going to wake up. God, there was so much blood. I thought I was going to lose you, when you passed out, I thought that was it. Lemme tell you, not a second later I gave him the ass whooping of his life. Two broken ribs, a fractured jaw, split lip and God I don’t even know what else. Cops said I did a good thing,” he chuckled, “Only time I’ve ever been able to agree with the police.”

“You’re not going to get in trouble for assault, are you?” I asked, trying to sit up a bit more in the bed.

“No, they just sorta looked the other way. Said it happened when you were trying to get away from him.

“Sammie was here earlier before she had to go to school. She looked like shit, I think she was out in the waiting room the whole time. She’s really worried about you. She said you could stay with her for a while if you wanted to. I know, I know, you ‘severely dislike’ her but, I think you should. It’ll give you the time you need.”

This was the time a nurse stuck her head in the door. “Good morning Jess, Scott,” she said with a great big fake smile on her face, “How are you feeling this morning, hon?”

“Like I was just raped, thanks for asking,” I replied, smiling just as fake.

She just ignored the comment and started to flip through her chart. “Well, your test results are in. You’re free and clear for STDs and we’ve got the Plan B pill ready for you if you would like it. But, we advise in a few weeks you go get checked out again, tests this early are known to be faulty.”

“Yes, I very much would like the pill, after that does that mean I get to leave?”

“Not yet, the doctor still needs to check you out, but if that goes well, you should be out of here midafternoon at the latest.”

Scott was silent until she left the room and then turned to me and continued to talk again, “Kay Bear, I got something I need to say.”

My heart dropped. I couldn’t tell by his tone if it was a good or bad something. “All right, what?” I asked, hearing the doubt and fear in my quivering voice.

“This probably isn’t the best time but, maybe it’ll help you sort things out in your mind,” Scott said, fingering something in his jacket pocket. He paused a while before going on, “We know I’ve had a lot, a lot, of really bad relationships in the past and, God’s honest truth, I think this is the longest one I’ve ever been in. We’ve been friends forever and I think that’s the key to this thing. So,” he sighed and pulled a box out of his jacket, “I want to make a promise to you. A promise that no matter what, I’m going to be there. Maybe not always romantically if you’re done with that, but I want to be there. I don’t ever want to lose this great friendship, no matter what happens to our physical one.”

I looked at him with a completely blank expression on my face. “Don’t worry and get all freaked out. I’m not proposing. Just committing.” He opened the box and inside lay a silver chain. I gingerly reached out and picked it up, along with it came a tiny silver laced ring with a small diamond embedded in it.

“Oh, Scottie, it’s beautiful,” I said, dangling it in front of my face.

“This was the anniversary present I was going to give you,” he said, smiling. He gently took the chain from my fingers and reach behind me to put it around my neck.

I tried not to look at the smile on his face as he was doing it. I could feel every nerve ending in my face and they all were screaming in pain. I knew it was going to be a long while before I’d be able to look at him and not think of that night. But, I still couldn’t dispute the fact that I was in love with him, with everything I was, I loved him. I wanted so badly to tell him exactly how I felt, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I was afraid I’d tell him and things would be good for a while but then something would happen and I’d have to walk away, walk away from him with pieces of his heart, and I didn’t want that.


	4. Chapter 4

By that night I was discharged and settling into Sammie’s guest room. Scott had brought my luggage over while I was still in the hospital and had sent Sammie to pick me up when I was allowed to leave. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he gave me the necklace and a promise to give me all the time I needed to sort things out in my head.

I slept in fretful fits and spurts that night. Waking at least once an hour, swallowing a scream and pushing back a nightmare. In some of the dreams, I wasn’t able to get away from George and it felt like hours went by until he threw me away, completely used and broken. In another I awoke one morning with a swollen, pregnant belly, sinister black and red streaks stretching all over it. There were others, but they faded from memory as soon as I awoke.

When I could see the sun start to poke through the blinds on the windows, I got up, brushed my teeth and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. I started up the coffee maker and splashed cold water on my face from the kitchen sink, hoping that I could get enough caffeine in my system by the time Sammie woke up that I wouldn’t look as horrible as I felt.

I was sitting on the couch, staring off to nowhere, working on my second cup of coffee when Sammie came plodding down the stairs. “Oh good, you made coffee,” she said as she walked by, still rubbing sleep from her eyes. I heard her clanging around in the kitchen and contemplated silently slipping up to my bedroom to avoid her and all the questions I knew she would have.

Sammie walked back in before I had a chance to make my escape. She sat down in an arm chair on the other side of the room from me, giving me space which I really appreciated. She silently sipped from her mug, putting no pressure on me to be the first to speak. When I finished my cup, I washed it out in the kitchen sink and plunked it down in the dishwasher. I leaned up against the kitchen counter for a moment and hugged my arms to my chest. After a moment, I sighed to myself and walked out of the kitchen. “I’m going to go take a shower,” I said, walking through the living room and to the stairs.

I stepped under the stream of water and instantly lost any grip I had on my composure. The water stung against the cuts on my face where I had been punched. My eye felt like it was throbbing out of its socket. I knew I probably had a great big black eye but had been too afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror. I slid down the shower wall and let the tears fall freely down my face, mingling with the water from the shower head. I stayed like that until the water ran cold enough for me to start shivering.

I pulled on my roomiest sweatshirt and a pair of black leggings. I left the bathroom and dithered at the top of the steps, debating going back down to the living room or slinking off to the guest room. I could hear Sammie talking to someone, I assumed over the phone since I could only hear her side of the conversation. “She’s taking a shower now.” I gulped audibly when I realized she was talking about me. “Jesus, Scott, I don’t know. She’s been through hell, give her some time.” My heart dropped when she said Scott’s name. “I’m not going to be the middleman. You have her cell phone number, call her if you want to talk to her. If she doesn’t answer, then you’ll know to give her more time.”

I didn’t want to hear anymore. I walked into the guest room and, suddenly overcome with exhaustion, flopped down on the bed and fell asleep in seconds. I had no bad dreams and woke up hours later to late afternoon sun streaming through the windows. Sammie was knocking on the door. “Yeah?” I asked, clearing my throat and trying again, “I’m awake. You can come in.”

Sammie poked her head in. “I thought you might be hungry, so I made you something to eat. Do you want to come down to eat or should I bring it up here?”

I really appreciated the gesture and as I opened my mouth to say so, my voice caught in my throat and I started crying again. “Thanks, Sammie. God, I’m such a mess.” I scrubbed at my face with the sleeves of my sweatshirt, trying to stop the flow of tears.

Sammie sat gingerly on the edge of the bed and reached a hesitant hand out to lay on my shoulder. When I didn’t shrug it off, she wrapped me close to her in a hug. “It’s okay, Jess. It’s okay.” She rubbed slow circles across my back.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I blurted out, not giving the question a chance to go through my ‘is this nice’ brain filter.

Sammie laughed softly, but not as if I had said something funny. She stopped rubbing my back and stood up from the bed. “I know you and I have never been friends. And I know it’s mostly my fault because I never really gave you a chance. But when I walked into that bedroom the other night, I stopped caring about all of that. I knew in an instant what had happened because, um…” I could tell she was stealing herself the courage to say the next bit. She cleared her throat before she continued, “I’ve never told anyone, but… I’ve been there before. I was at a party and blacked out, I have vague memories of what happened, but I’ve mostly repressed them.” She shivered in the warm room.

I was shocked into silence for a moment. “When?” I finally asked.

“Three years ago. I went to the hospital, got a morning after pill and never reported it to the cops. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I just stopped hanging out with the group of people and tried to forget it ever happened. I felt so cheap and dirty afterwards and didn’t want anyone to see me that way.”

I just nodded, not needing to tell her I felt the exact same way. “What a weird thing for us to bond over,” I said, more to myself, not meaning to say it out loud.

Sammie started laughing and after a moment I joined with a short, surprised bray of laughter before I clamped my hands over my mouth. It felt too soon and wrong to have a light-hearted moment with anyone. I looked at her with big eyes, felling ashamed of myself. “It’s okay,” she reminded me, “Life should go on. It took me months to feel like myself again. But I didn’t have anyone to help me through it. You have support here that wants to help you through. Scott has been blowing my phone up asking about you all day.”

“I thought it was him, Sammie. When it was first happening, God help me, I thought it was him and I wanted to kill him. How am I ever going to get over that?” Another tear slid down my face, which I wiped away and told myself that I wasn’t going to go into hysterics again today.

“All I can say to that is, Scott loves you more than anything in the world. It used to make me so jealous because I had such a big crush on him. But, after seeing you two together, even I had to admit there was no breaking that bond. Scott would never, ever do anything to hurt you. And it’s eating him up that there’s nothing he can do to make this better for you. Just give it time. Send him an email if you can’t stand to see him or hear his voice. Don’t let the flame die out while you’re working through this. You’ll be so much happier when you get through this if he is still by your side. A love like that deserves to last forever.”

“You’re right, Sammie. Thank you, for everything.” I followed her back down the stairs and into the kitchen. I don’t remember what the food was, and I didn’t taste any of it, but I did my part of methodically chewing and swallowing. I couldn’t remember when I last ate anything, the last few days had been a blur.

Time went on that way for a while, I wouldn’t get much sleep at night, so I stopped trying after a while. I would sleep through most of the day, have dinner with Sammie and sit on the couch in the living room, staring at the TV through the night, dozing sometimes never a deep enough sleep to amount to anything, but mostly just thinking. Thinking about Scott, about George, about my family whom I had only contacted once since moving back to Canada. I put on my best fake smile and told them that things were going great and Scott and I had been so busy with each other that I hadn’t had much time to catch up with them. I’m not sure my parents bought it but at least that didn’t ask for further details.

The start date for the job Scott had arranged for me came and went. I wasn’t sure if Scott had told them I wouldn’t be starting or if they figured it out on their own. No one ever called and for that, I was thankful. I knew I couldn’t continue to be a useless, financial burden on Sammie but didn’t have the energy to think much further than that on the subject.

I had a hard time keeping track of the passing of time but, I think I had been living with Sammie for a month or so when Scott started emailing me on a daily basis. There was no pressure to respond to the emails, so I didn’t but I always read them. They were mostly just a daily run down on what he had been up to since his last email. He finished every email letting me know that he was missing me and looking forward to seeing me again, whenever I decided that was. I know he meant it as a way to continue reminding me that he still cared, but every day it made me feel more and more guilty about being away from him.

Sammie was a big help. As adamant as she had been to Scott on the phone that day that she wouldn’t be a middleman, I think she really helped bridge the gap between he and I. She assured him I was reading his emails and would let me know that Scott showed no signs of giving up on me. She became something of a therapist to me. She never pushed me into talking about things, but dinner conversation somehow always came around to one thing or another about that night.


	5. Chapter 5

A few weeks after Scott started sending the emails, I finally forced myself to reply to one. It was short, just a thank you to him for reaching out to me every day. It took me an hour to figure out how to close the email, feeling like I should comment on his normal ending line. I chickened out and just sent the email as it was, not sure how closer, if any closer, I had become to being ready to face him in person.

The next night, I was sitting at the table in the kitchen, chatting with Sammie as she made dinner when her phone rang. I absent mindedly picked it up, saying “Hello” before I even realized what I was doing.

“Kay Bear?” Scott asked, his voice breaking in the middle. ‘Shit,’ I thought to myself, looking at Sammie with big eyes which she returned to me.

“Hey, Scott,” I replied slowly, sure my chagrin was coming through in my voice but not able to stop it. I swallowed hard and concentrated on making my hands stop shaking. “What’s up?” I was glad my voice sounded calmer in those two words.

“Jesus, it is so good to hear your voice.” I could clearly hear the smile coming through in his voice and found myself returning a smaller version of it on my side of the receiver. I heard him sniffle as if he was holding back tears. I felt a twinge of that familiar guilt from his emails. “How have you been? Is that stupid to ask? Fuck, I’m sorry, that is stupid.”

“It’s okay, Scott. I’m…” I paused for a moment, going over adjectives in my head. I certainly wasn’t ‘good’ or ‘fine’ or anything else people normally finish that sentence with in polite conversation. I decided for a version of the truth, “I’m coping. It gets a little easier every day. My cuts and bruises have healed. I almost look like myself again, on the outside.” I didn’t want to tell him how big of a mess I still was on the inside or how loosely my clothes hung on me because I only ate in front of Sammie, so she wouldn’t worry. Food still had no taste or interest to me. “Um… listen Scott, I don’t really feel like talking too much but thanks for calling and the emails. They mean a lot to me.” I gave the phone over to Sammie without listening for his response and walked away from the table.

She found me up in my room twenty minutes later. “Dinner’s ready,” she called from the hallway. She poked her head in, “Are you hungry?”

I wasn’t but went downstairs anyway. “Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked, loading spaghetti and salad onto a plate for me.

“I can’t believe I answered the phone. It felt completely natural. That’s good, right? I feel so guilty that I didn’t talk to him more.” I glumly moved the noodles around on my plate, willing myself to enjoy the bland taste they brought to my mouth.

“I’m sure he’d like to hear from you more. Him and I have both been trying to give you space but… I dunno… maybe you need to start pushing yourself? It’s not my place and I’m no shrink or anything but staying cooped up in this place all day every day can’t be good for you.” She spoke softly and slowly, as if afraid what my reaction may be.

My first instinct was to tell her to piss off and leave me alone. I sat in silence for a few minutes, thinking it over. I knew she was probably right but wasn’t sure I was up for it. I nodded to her and said, “You’re probably right but, where and how? And could you come with me? I need to get another set of tests done just to make sure, ya’ know, everything’s okay down there. But I’ve just been too scared to. What if there was something the hospital missed?”

“I’ll take a day off from work and we’ll go to the free clinic. Then where ever you want after that.” She smiled, seemingly satisfied with my answer. 

She was able to get a day off the following Monday, so we left for the clinic around noon that day. I shielded my eyes from the bright sun as I stepped out of the house and into fresh air for the first time in three weeks. I climbed into Sammie’s car and blinked until my eyes adjusted to the brightness. I chuckled at myself. “Good Lord, I must look a sight.” I flipped down the visor mirror and stared at my pale skin and the dark circles around my eyes. It was easier to sleep during the day, but I was still having the occasional nightmare, glad that Sammie had a summer job while she was on break from school so was usually not around when I woke up, sweating and not sure if I had successfully stifled the scream wanting to leave my lips. I poked and prodded at my face as if I had never seen it before.  
“It could be worse. A little time outside in the sun and your color will come right back.” Sammie started the car and drive us into town.

My tests came back negative and I would get the results of blood tests for everything else in a few weeks but everything from the hospital looked good, so they said I should be in the clear. I laughed right in the nurse’s face when she told me I could resume my usual ‘sexual activities.’ “Yeah, no, that’s not happening,” I said, hopping down from the exam table, “Can I go, then?” I walked out without waiting for a response, leaving Sammie to apologize to the nurse for my behavior. I didn’t think there was anything to apologize for. It was pretty presumptuous of the nurse to say anything like that to me.

“Do you want to go grab some lunch?” Sammie asked, coming up behind me and locking elbow around mine. I shrugged and then nodded when I saw her frown out of the corner of my eye. “Sounds good,” I replied. I thought about what she had said about pushing myself out of my stupor. Maybe she was onto something there. I did feel better just being out of the house and in the sun.

We walked a few blocks down to a strip mall and found a little deli to eat at. We sat by the window, watching people walking by doing their shopping. I found myself smiling as a woman stopped and bent down to tie her daughter’s shoe, while she was bent down the daughter ran a loving hand through her mother’s hair, saying something that made the woman laugh. The mother righted herself, took her daughter’s hand and continued on their way with a smile on her face. I turned my head to Sammie and thanked her for dragging me out of the house. “Of course, girl. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” she replied, her smile wavering as she looked at something over my head.

I turned back to look out the window and saw a familiar spiky head of red hair walk by. Scott didn’t see us as he walked by and headed into a music store a few doors down. My heart leapt into my throat with dread and excitement. I warred with my emotions. Part of me wanted to run over and leap into his arms and was so happy to see him. But the other part of me was afraid to get that close to him, I had been working on coming to terms with his involvement, or lack thereof, on that night. I thought that I was coming around on placing the blame on George, where it belonged. I was afraid one touch of Scott’s skin would bring back a flood of images and memories of that night.

I looked down at my mostly finished soup and then up to Sammie. “What should I do?” I asked, forcing my voice not to waiver with the emotions I was holding back, “Should I at least go say hi?”

Sammie nodded and gently pushed me off the stool. “I promise I had no idea he would be here,” she said, sliding off of her stool, “Let’s go say hi. If you get uncomfortable, we’ll leave, no big.”

I shook myself, stealing myself to be strong. This was going to have to happen eventually. I needed to know if there was any chance of a future with Scott. This was always going to be the next step towards that and it was better to just get it over and done with. We stepped into the music store and I stopped just inside the door when I heard the sound of a guitar being played. I knew without looking that it would be Scott. My eyes swept through the store and I found Scott just as the music he was playing faltered, he had seen me enter.

Scott put the guitar down and slowly walked towards me. “Heya, Scottie,” I said, giving him a slight wave. I stayed a few steps away from him and he made no move to bridge that gap. I could see in his eyes and body language that he wanted to reach out to touch me but was waiting for me to make the first move. “We were having lunch at the deli and saw you walk by…” My voice trailed off, not sure what else to say.

Scott stared at my face, as if he had never seen it before and was trying to memorize all my features. His gaze was making me slightly uncomfortable and I shuffled my weight from foot to foot. I looked down at the ground, my hair falling over my face. Scott nervously cleared his throat, which brought my attention back to him, peering up at him through the strands of hair in my eyes. “It’s good to see you, Kay Bear,” Scott took half a step towards me and made a move to tuck my hair behind my ear.

I didn’t pull back from him but stood completely still while he did so. I could hear my heart roaring in my ears and my mouth was suddenly desert dry. His hand continued its journey behind my ear and swept down my jaw, he used my chin to move my eyes back up to him. He smiled at me, which I returned after a moment. “There she is,” he said softly, his eyes shining with emotions.

I stepped aside and watched as Sammie and Scott chatted for a few minutes. My eyes roomed all over Scott’s face, noticing the dark circles under his eyes, which mirrored my own. I had never thought that maybe this was just as hard for him as it was for me. He had invited George to that party, had probably felt major guilt about what happened. Were his dreams just as haunted as mine? Was he finding it just as hard to move on with life? I felt ashamed of myself for being so selfish and promised myself that I would work better at letting him back in.

I found myself reaching out for his hand, which just felt natural and right. I laced my fingers around his but kept my body a couple steps away from him. Their conversation stopped mid-sentence. We all three stood in silence for a moment until I dropped Scott’s hand and turned to Sammie. “Time to go?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t challenge me on it.

She just nodded and hugged Scott. I quickly hugged him and walked away, waving goodbye instead of saying anything. I was silent during the ride home, having a conversation with myself instead of Sammie. There was a voice in my head telling me that I didn’t deserve to be back with Scott, that he would always see me as tainted. I tried to reason with the voice that Scott had slept with plenty of other girls, I would imagine most of them not virgins, so what was one more? There was nothing wrong with me, I was the victim. I stepped out of the car and stood beside the car for a minute, face turned towards the sun, willing the warmth and brightness to find its way into my soul.


	6. Chapter 6

I had been keeping a journal since I moved in with Sammie, the hospital therapist I had been forced to see before I could leave suggested it would help. The first dozen or so pages were each filled with a few words and drawings of dark, menacing eyes. After the first few days, I forced myself to write my stream of consciousness, to try to make sense of what I was feeling and thinking. I filled the first journal within a few weeks. The second journal started with the day I ran into Scott. I drew what I could remember of his face in profile, talking to Sammie. The sharp angle of his jaw, the round tip of his nose, his bright hazel eyes. When I was done, I stared at the drawing remembering why and how I had fallen in love with him the first place. He had the biggest, most caring heart of anyone I had known. He could make me fall to the floor laughing with a single word or glance.

I would pull the drawing out every day, studying his face and letting it remind me that there was still so much good there. I could find myself with the courage and want to respond to his emails, which turned into occasional telephone calls. I found myself leaving the house and going to the park to walk around or loitering somewhere, anywhere, just to have something to tell Scott about my day, that I had done something more or less productive. Over the next month, the phone calls became more and more frequent and longer. I could hear the warmth returning to my voice and the smiles and laughter came easier and easier.

Around the time that Sammie was getting ready to go back to school, I asked her if we could maybe start having people over to the house. At some point that summer, I realized that I was severally detrimental to her social life. Before I moved in, there were constantly parties at her house, weekend long bingers with dozens of people. She had only gone out to another person’s house a handful of times, mostly later in the summer, because she didn’t want to leave me alone any longer than she had to. On those few occasions, I had to practically force her out of the door, assuring her that I would be alright for a few hours, no big deal. And for the most part, I was.

She asked who I wanted to invite over, and I surprised myself when Scott’s brother’s names tumbled out of my lips. “But, not Scott?” she asked, with an arched eyebrow.

“Not yet, things are going so well without the physical pressure. I want to make sure I’m all right socializing before we get to that.” I was afraid I’d fall back into my normal, flirty relationship with Scott and end up in a position where he wanted to get more physical and knew I was no where near ready for that yet.

“Do you think it will hurt his feelings?” 

“I’ll talk to him about. Make him understand where I’m coming from.”

So with that, we set up a hang with Clint and Bob for that upcoming Friday night. Clint was going to bring his girlfriend, whom I had never met and was a little nervous about. Her name was Sasha and, from pictures of her, she was gorgeous. She had long, shiny brown hair and very exotic features. I sat curled up in the armchair for most of the time they were there, forcing myself into the conversation when I could. Sasha and I really hit off by the end of the evening though. She had a casual, laid back attitude but was very attentive when someone else was talking. Something big in me healed with that interaction. Connecting with someone I had never met before made me realize I was not nearly as broken as I had made myself believe.

When I turned in that night, I pulled my laptop into bed with me and started a long email to Scott. There were many things I wanted to tell him that I could never put into words over the phone, but I could labor over my word choice when writing. When I awoke the next day, I spent another hour or so working on the email before sending it. The email outlined what I had been doing over the past months, the journals, the art I had made both in drawing and graphic work on my laptop, the long conversations with Sammie, and ending with the revelation I had made the night before. I echoed what I had told him in a phone conversation earlier that week, that the night with his brothers was a step I needed in the journey to be comfortable with a physical presence with people again. I was getting closer to a time when I could be his friend again, gearing up to being something more.

For the first time since the hospital, I pulled out the necklace Scott had given me for our anniversary. I spun it by the chain and watched the ring twinkle and sparkle in the stream of light coming through the window. Barely fifteen minutes had gone by after sending the email when my cellphone rang. I clasped the necklace around my neck and found myself delighted to see Scott’s name pop up on the phone’s screen.

“Hey, beautiful,” he greeted me, which brought a flush of color to my cheeks, “I just got your email. I had no idea you had been doing so much writing and creating. Do you think maybe I could see your artwork sometime?”

“Yeah,” I said hesitantly, then with more compunction, “yeah, absolutely. Eventually I think I can open up that part of my healing to you. Scott, I’m really sorry I haven’t been able to be around you. It’s not fair to either of us.”

“-shh” he interrupted, “you have nothing to apologize for. You don’t need to explain those things to me. I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. I’m here and waiting and ready for whatever you need or want from me.”

Two hours later as my phone was beeping at me that it was about to die, I was still talking to Scott when Sammie poked her head in the door. I hadn’t realized enough time had passed that she would be home from work. I held up a finger to her, letting her know I’d been done soon. “Hey, Scottie? I’ve gotta go, my phone is about the die. We’ll talk later,” I briefly hesitated before adding, “Love you, bunches.” Which used to be my usual goodbye to him.

He echoed my sentiment before I disconnected. I plugged my phone in and turned to Sammie. “You’re wearing the necklace,” she noted immediately. I just nodded and sat down at the desk she had added to the guest room when she realized I was spending a lot of time on the bed or couch, hunched over my laptop. “You also seem to be in a really great mood. Look at you smiling and telling Scott you love him, that’s really good, Jess.”

I just nodded and bopped past her on my way to the bathroom. When I got out of the shower and changed into clean clothes, Sammie was still loitering around my bedroom door. I stopped drying my hair, letting the damp towel fall from my hands to the floor when I saw the uncertainty in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” I asked, knowing she was about to unleash some bad news.

“So… there’s something I’ve been not talking about around you on purpose, but I think you should know. George’s trial is coming up. There was a lawyer here yesterday while you were out. He left a card and some papers, said if I saw you that I should pass them on. I didn’t tell him you had been staying here because he didn’t seem to know. But, he says you have to testify in court for there to be a conviction.” Sammie was wringing her hands, worry lines furrowed deep in her brow.

I felt as if the air had been knocked from my lungs and my legs trembled. I held the wall for support as my focus went in and out, afraid I was about to black out. I came back to full consciousness hearing myself muttering the words “no, no, no,” over and over again. As soon as I realized that strained, quavering voice was my own, I clamped my hands over my mouth to stop myself. Sammie led me down to the kitchen and made me a cup of hot tea while I stared at the business card she laid in front of me.

“Dammit,” I said picking up the card and reaching for the phone as Sammie put the cup down in front of me. It was just before the end of his office hours. I listened to the phone ringing, silently hoping that no one would answer so I wouldn’t have to have this conversation. My luck for the day had apparently run out, after three rings a courteous female voice answered.

I set up an appointment for the next day to talk to the Provincial Prosecutor, Albert Clarke, in charge of the trial. After I hung up with him, I called Scott and filled him in on what Sammie had told me. I had to ask him to go with me, since it had happened at his house, Mr. Clarke wanted to see him as well, as a possible witness for testimony. 


	7. Chapter 7

Scott picked me up at 12:30 the next day, giving us a half an hour to make it to the lawyer’s office. I was pacing the living room, waiting for him when I heard him pull up outside. I was at the door before he had a chance to knock. I swung open the door and he took a step back, his raised hand dropping to his side. He was wearing steel-grey dress pants and a blue button-down shirt that made the blue of his eyes pop. “You look nice,” he stated. I looked down at myself, not even sure what I had decided to wear. I had on a pink blouse and black skirt, both borrowed from Sammie since most of my clothes no longer fit me. I had fretted over what to wear, wanting to look nice but constantly worrying I was showing too much skin for the charges to be taken seriously. That nagging voice was back again in the small dark recesses of my mind.

“Thanks, you too.” I reached out and straightened the collar on his shirt. While doing so, the necklace came tumbling out of my blouse, catching the sun brilliantly. I saw him look down, notice it, smile, but he didn’t mention it. I knew there was a time when his walking-on-egg-shells attitude was going to start bugging me, but today was not that day.

Mr. Clarke-Please-Call-Me-Al assured us it was a fairly open and shut case and felt a conviction with Scott’s and my testimony was as close to a sure-thing as he had ever seen. Apparently, the “DNA” (what a benign and cold word for what it really was) collected in my rape-kit matched three other cases that had never gone to trial because the girls suddenly decided to drop the charges or refused to testify. George’s family was well-connected and Al thought had possibly put some pressure on them. He asked if I had been contacted by anyone. “No one but Scott and a few close friends know where I’ve been staying,” I said, shuddering at the thought of George’s family trying to buy my silence.

“Good, let’s keep it this way. The other assaults are too old to convict him on, but I can use it as evidence of his character and past behavior. I’m going to try to put this creep away for as long as possible.” Al held sorrow in his eyes that told me he had seen more than one bad guy get away in his time.

Then came the awful part where Scott and I had to rehash the horrible nightmare of what had occurred that night. Scott had to excuse himself when I was telling my side and when he came back, he had scrapes on the knuckles of his right hand, as if he had gone outside and hit the side of the brick building. Al made no mention of it, just handed Scott a tissue for the thin line of blood trickling down his hand and continued his gentle line of questioning to coax the story out of me. Scott added his part starting when I blacked out, which turned out happened before the ambulance and police had gotten there. I reached out and grabbed Scott’s hand the first time his voice wavered. He was describing the vast amount of blood all over the bed and my face. Subconsciously my free hand touched the scar on the ridge of my left cheek, the only physical mark left of that night. Al remarked that physical violence during the sexual assault carried with it a longer jail sentence, which I was pleased to hear.

“All right, guys, I know that was tough, but I’ve got a few more tough topics to discuss,” Al settled down on the edge of his desk, facing us. His hands steepled in his lap. “The trial. I know the lawyer that has been hired for George and he’s pretty good. He’s going to try his hardest to make it seem like Jess was into this until getting caught and that Scott and George fought because Scott thought Jess was cheating on him. I think Jess has enough physical evidence that the story won’t stick, but if you two were having problems or had a past of unfaithfulness, I need to know now so it doesn’t bite us in the ass during the trial.” 

I vehemently shook my head. “No, nothing like that. Scott and I have been best friends for years and years and have always had a great relationship. We’ve never even had a serious fight.”

“Al, I never cheated, and Jess certainly never did. Is it not in the file that Jess… well,” Scott cleared his throat and continued, “Jess was a… virgin.”

I saw Al’s eyes widen before his professional calm slammed back into place. “That is good to know. Thank you for that information. Now, there was a party at the house, right? Were you two drinking a lot? Is this a normal occasion at the house?” He spent the next forty minutes grilling up about past relationships, our history together, trying to uncover any personality flaw that could hurt our chances.

What felt like a million years later, Scott and I were finally free and walking, still hand-in-hand out to his Jeep. He opened the door for me and I all but fell into the seat. “That was excruciating,” I said softly, looking out the still open door at Scott.

He propped his elbow up on the frame of the door and nodded to me. “Yeah, yeah, it was. You did great though. I’m really impressed with how strong you were in there. I’m sorry I lost my cool and left... when you…” He hung his head, ashamed of himself.

“It’s okay, Scott. I think I would have done the same thing if our places were reversed.” I picked up his injured hand and laid a very small kiss on his bruised knuckles. The thrill of electricity that his touch had always caused me was there in a very dim, distant way; as though a weak call signal trying hard to make its way through. “Let’s get you home and get this cleaned up.”

I was surprised when Scott starting driving towards downtown Toronto, not where Sammie lived or where his townhouse was. I looked at him quizzically, “Where are we going?”

“Home. I moved a few weeks ago. I couldn’t stand to be in that place any longer, I couldn’t sleep in that bedroom… I even sold the bed and some of the furniture. Anything that reminded me…” His voice trailed off, but I didn’t need him to finish his thought to know what it contained. I would have been devastated and taken ten times longer to start getting back to good head space if I had been surrounded by daily constant reminders as he had been.

Scott’s apartment was located over a coffee shop near the music store Sammie and I had seen him at after my doctor’s appointment. It was a cozy two-bedroom with an eat-in kitchen, living room and just one bathroom. He had converted the main bedroom into a kind of studio, with a keyboard, guitars and sound equipment I couldn’t even begin to name scattered around. He let me give myself a tour and wonder around as he pulled a first-aid kit out of the bathroom. “It’s small, but cute, I like it,” I said, coming back to the living room and sitting down next to him on the couch. I looked around to find pictures of my face sprinkled around the room, some on the walls, some resting on the end tables and one with no frame tucked into the corner of his computer monitor, which was nestled into a corner of the living room, close to the studio-bedroom with wires running to the equipment in there.

When Scott had finished bandaging his hand, I pulled myself closer to him on the couch. Lifting his arm and placing it around my shoulder, I snuggled in close to the side of his body. Something about hearing him recount that awful night from his view point had released the strangled grip on my heart I had every time I looked at him. I breathed in the scent of him and sighed peacefully, feeling for the first time in the past few months that maybe there was a light at the end of this extremely dark and long tunnel. “You seem to be doing better with this stuff,” Scott commented, letting himself relax against me.

I placed my hand on his chest and propped myself up a few inches to look closely at his face. He was still the most handsome man I had ever seen. Even his imperfections, the slight unevenness of his teeth, the scar on his cheek from a hockey accident when he was younger, all just added to his perfection in my eyes. “Yeah,” I finally answered him, “It’s getting easier. I don’t see myself getting back to the same physical level we were at before any time soon. But, it’s a start, right?” Even though I had been a virgin, don’t get the wrong idea, I was far from pristine. Scott and I had certainly been physical in a lot of other ways, practically every which way you could without having actual intercourse.

“Absolutely,” he responded. I settled back down against his chest as he laid his head down on top of mine and squeezed me a little bit tighter against him.


	8. Chapter 8

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep until I awoke with a start, falling off the couch in a heap. I heard laughter beside me and looked over to find Scott at his computer, bent over, one arm around his stomach, one hand on his mouth trying to stifle himself. I picked myself up and straightened out my skirt, trying to find a graceful way out of it but seeing none. “What time is it?” I was vaguely aware that my stomach was growling, which had become an unusual feeling, “I am starving.”

“It’s about six o’clock. You wanna go get dinner somewhere?” he asked, closing out whatever he had been working on with his computer. “Do you wanna go home and change first?” Scott saw my hesitation and asked what was wrong.

“Well… I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve lost a lot of weight… I don’t have a lot of clothes that fit me any longer. I’ve been wearing mostly leggings and yoga pants around the house. I can see if Sammie has something I can borrow, again. These are her clothes that I’m wearing now.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat, I was ashamed of myself for letting myself become so unhealthy over the past few months. I realized in that moment that I had not been handling this situation in the best way, I had pushed away Scott despite his best efforts to stay in touch, I was becoming grossly dependent on Sammie to get me through each day, if left to my own devises I probably would’ve starved myself by now.

“I had noticed.” Scott wrapped his arms around my waist, not pulling me close, leaving enough slack and space between us that I could pull away if I wanted, “I do miss your curves.” He smiled lasciviously, which made me fidget, slightly uncomfortable, “Sorry,” he said, dropping his arms and stepping away.

“No, Scott, it’s okay. It’s amazing to me that you are still attracted to me after all of this. I know I look like hell, I haven’t been sleeping well and only eat when Sammie makes me. It’s been harder than I’ve let anyone know just to make it through each day,” my voice broke when I continued, “I miss the old me just as much as you do.”

We ended up ordering Chinese food and Scott gave me a pair of his sweatpants and a T-shirt to lounge around in. Scott had changed into basketball shorts and a tank top while I had been asleep. I happily slurped down my lo mein noodles while Fellowship of the Ring played on the TV. I don’t think the food was particularly the best quality but after months of food tasting like sand paper or a dirty dish rag, it was like mana from heaven to my taste buds. After I finished my lo mein, I finished Scott’s order of beef and broccoli and laid down, stretched out on the couch with my head on Scott’s lap, full and content while the rest of the movie played. Scott running his fingers through my hair and jokingly chiding me when I spoke along with certain scenes of the movie. When it was done I asked him to drive me home, feeling like I may actually be able to sleep through the night.

Scott walked me to the door and my palms started sweating, wondering if he was expecting or wanting a good night kiss. It felt very much like we were ending a first date. I remembered how, earlier that day, I had kissed his injured knuckles and how it had made me feel. ‘You can do this,’ I thought to myself, ‘This will be good.’ I realized that I did, in fact, want to kiss him but was only nervous because I wanted just a kiss and was afraid Scott would try to take it further. I knew his hormones had to be running crazy with all the closeness and denying of that physical release he probably wanted so badly. 

“I had a great time with you today, Kay Bear,” Scott said, giving my hand a squeeze before allowing it to drop from his hand and to my side.

“Me, too,” I replied, turning to face him and wrapping my arms around his neck. I hugged myself close to him, feeling as if my heart were about to burst through my chest with its maniacal thumping. I pulled my head back but let my body stay close to him. I swallowed hard and slowly moved my face closer to his. Our lips touched hesitantly, that dim spark that I had felt earlier in the day roaring a little closer to the surface. My lips remembered how to mold against his flawlessly without thought.

Barely a second had gone by when the front door was ripped open and Sammie exclaimed, “Jess! Where have you been? I was-” She stopped herself short when she realized what she had interrupted as Scott and I jumped away from each other in surprise. “Holy shit!” She was grinning from ear to ear. “Sorry guys, I was just worried because I expected you home a while ago. But, don’t mind me. I’ll go back inside. You guys… uh… just do… whatever.” She shut the door and I could hear her laughter fading behind it as she walked away.

I turned back to Scott, sure my face could fry an egg with the heat that had flooded to it. Scott chuckled, “She’s got great timing, huh?” I smiled wanly, unable to get my courage back to pick up where we had left off. I gave Scott another hug and a quick peck on the cheek before I retreated through the front door with a promise to call him the next day.

I slumped against the shut door feeling an overwhelming mix of emotions from my day crash onto me all at once. “I’m so sorry, Jess, I know you could probably kill me right now,” Sammie came into the room, hands hold up in front of her, “And I don’t blame you at all. I had no idea.”

I shook my head, smiling and forgiving her without thought. “No big.”

“But it is, it’s a majorly big ‘big.’ I’m so glad for you. I know that was a huge step. So, tell me all about your day and do not leave out a single detail.” She grabbed my hand and drug me over to the couch, sitting down cross legged and staring at me with her full attention.

“You should’ve stayed the night with him,” she responded when I was done recounting the events of the day, “Not like ‘that’ way of course. But, just sleep on the couch or in the bed with him, whatever. It seems the longer you’re around him, the easier the physical stuff is coming to you.”

I chewed that thought around in my mind for a moment. “I don’t know, I’m not sure if that would help or be too much to handle,” I said, “Thinking about it now I’m not even sure I should’ve kissed him at all. What if he starts to expect more and more every time I see him?”

“Don’t be silly,” Sammie replied, grabbing a pillow and softly thumping me over the head with it, “I think Scott has proven he is able and willing to go your pace, he deserves better consideration than that.”

I was silent again as I thought about what she had said. “Yeah, you’re right. He’s been nothing if not patient and a complete gentleman with me. I need to stop hanging my issues on him and take ownership of them.”


	9. Chapter 9

I fell asleep that night still in Scott’s clothes with the scent of him surrounding me. I slept for a full eight hours that night, not sure when the last time was I woke up feeling so refreshed and normal. If I had any dreams that night, I couldn’t remember them. I opened the blinds and let the sunlight come streaming into the room. Sammie was already gone to class but had left enough coffee in the urn for me to enjoy one cup. Which I did sitting in the bay window of the living room, journal open on my lap. My journal drawings that morning were all of Scott, his bandaged hand, his caring eyes, the curve of his lips like a cupid’s bow.

I took my large sketchpad, which had been left forgotten in the bottom of one my suitcases and my pastels and headed off to the park a few blocks away. I sat under the shade of a tree and drew the empty swings and slides of the park in bright, cheery tones, concentrating on the glare of the sun on the metal slide and the hue of the leaves, just beginning to change into Autumn colors. As the day passed, I started a new drawing to include the children that had popped up like mushrooms after a spring rain. My phone chirped beside me, bringing my attention away from my sketchpad for the first time in hours.

It was a text message from Scott asking if I wanted to hang out. I told him I wasn’t home but invited him to join me at the park. He kept me company at the park for another two hours, mostly silent while I worked away on a couple more sketches. When I stood up and brushed the dirt off my butt, he asked if he could see what I had worked on that day. I handed over my sketch pad, studying his face as he looked over the first few drawings I had produced that day. “Jess, these are amazing. Wow… I’m just blown away… I can’t believe how good these are.” He flipped back further in the book to my last few sketches at school and then back to the park sketches, “I think these are the best I’ve ever seen you do.”

He continued through the sketch pad until he had gotten to my last drawing of the day. It was a drawing of him with the low, early-evening sun over his shoulder. He was staring out over the park, a serene look on his face, the ball cap on top of his head darkening part of his face with shadow. “That is incredible, Kay Bear.”

I took the sketch pad back from his outstretched hand. “Do you want to keep it?” I asked, moving to tear the page out of the book.

“Oh no, no, you keep that one. If I want to see my own mug, I’ll look in the mirror. Why don’t you draw me a self-portrait sometime though? That is something I would definitely like.”

“So it can join the serial killer collection of photos of me in your living room?” I teased, gathering up my pastels, I stuck my tongue out at him and danced out of his way when he made to punch me in the shoulder.

“Shut up,” he retorted, a flush creeping into his cheeks, “I like your face. I don’t get to see it as often as I’d like. I had to find a compromise.”

“Just playing with you,” I bumped his hip with mine and smiled at him, to show there were no hard feelings. We took a slow, leisurely, long walk back to Sammie’s house. The sun was setting when we walked, laughing through the front door. “Hey, girl. What are you laughing at?” Sammie asked, walking into the living room from the kitchen, “Oh, hey Scott! I’m just swinging through on my way to a study date. I’ve gotta jet. See you guys later!” She rushed out of the door, waving behind her as she shut the door.

My head retraced her fast path from the kitchen through the front door. “Hmmm… something tells me she does not have a study date. That girl should never play poker. I’m going to go put this stuff away and hop in the shower. Want to stay for dinner?” I asked moving towards the stairs.

“Yeah, I’d love to. I’ll just hang out down here while you do that,” Scott replied, sitting on the couch, I saw him notice the journal I had left out earlier that day. I scooted it closer to him, so he would know it was okay for him to look through it before taking off up the stairs. I took the quickest shower I could and threw on black leggings and a long-sleeve shirt from my college. Stopping to look at myself in the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and hated the way the shirt, which used to fit snuggly, piled up on the sides now, making me look unkempt and frumpy. I made a mental note to start scarfing down carbs and chocolate or go shopping soon.

I plodded back down stairs and found Scott engrossed in the journal. He had only made it a quarter of the way through. ‘He must really be pouring over it slowly. Geez, I hope I didn’t write anything too embarrassing in there,’ I thought as I walked past him and into the kitchen. He looked up at me, put the book down and followed me into the kitchen. He was silent as I pulled food out of the fridge and poked around in the pantry until I discovered enough ingredients to make tacos. I hummed to myself as I started cooking, wishing that he would say something to break the silence. I could feel his eyes boring into my back, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, as the meat and seasonings were shimmering, I spun around to find he had moved to within a few feet of me. “All right, the silence is killing me. What are you thinking?”

“You said in your journal that you felt you were no longer good enough for me, that you didn’t deserve me. Don’t think that, okay? I love you,” with that, he pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear again, to reiterate his point, “I love you so much. It would kill me to live without you, okay? Don’t ever leave me.”

I nodded against him and pulled away. “I’m not suicidal, if that’s what you mean, Scott,” I replied, slightly miffed but trying to hide it in my voice, “And you know I love you, too. I can’t help what pops into my mind in those darkest moments. A really small part of me wonders why you haven’t gone and found a girl that will give you all the physical things I haven’t. Even before all this mess, why did you put up with it? I know how much you like...” I sighed and forced myself to say the word, “sex.”

“Because I love you more than sex. All those other girls I had before you meant nothing to me. You know how out of my head I was back then. My fucked-up childhood drove me into the bed of any girl that would have me, trying to get the attention I thought I needed. It was empty, meaningless. I was, and am, okay with waiting for you. Because I know it’s going to be worth it and I am enjoying the journey to get there.”

Scott left soon after dinner. I had the impression that something in that conversation we had, had hurt his feelings but I couldn’t figure it out on my own and he was not coming forward with it on his own. It was a week before I saw him again, we had been talking on the phone or emailing every day, but he hadn’t invited me over or made any indication that he wanted to hang out again, so I just let it be.


	10. Chapter 10

That next week, after she got out of class one afternoon, Sammie invited herself along on my shopping trip to get some new clothes. I decided I should also put in some job applications since I couldn’t live on my meager savings forever, even though Sammie was still refusing to let me help her pay rent or anything else. Scott called just as we were leaving the house, when Sammie realized whom I was talking to, she grabbed the phone out of my hands and invited him along. I started to get mad at her but realized she was doing me a favor in the long run. Maybe I could get Scott to open up a little more about what had bothered him so much that night at the house.

The mall was crowded even though it was a weekday. I had become too used to being by myself and found it hard to do anything but think of the sheer number of people around me. I stayed close to Scott, as if he were a shield to protect me. “Are you okay?” he asked after the third time I grabbed his shoulder when someone bumped into me going the other way.

I looked at him and could feel my eyes were too wide to match the “Yeah, I’m fine,” answer I gave him. When we got into one of the clothing stores, my tension eased up a bit because there were far fewer people. I ran my hands over the multitude of different fabrics and counted the different colors I could see to calm myself down as I started shopping. I picked out some cute dresses and tops with jeans to go along with them. I also threw some sweaters and jackets into Sammie’s waiting arms, knowing I wouldn’t need to try those on but they were necessary for the cold Canadian winter that was slowly looming in the distance.

I took the dresses, tops, and jeans into the fitting room and started trying things on. I had been in there for ten minutes or so when Scott called out, “Hey, Jess, how are things going in there?”

I didn’t answer, I was too busy pacing the small room, clutching my arms to my chest. I had only tried on a pair of jeans and a top so far. The top clung to my sides and seemed to not be allowing me to breathe. Every time I saw my reflection in the mirror, all I zeroed in on was the cleavage it showed and the way the jeans snugged so close to my hips and butt. Scott knocked on the door and I let out a little ‘yip’ of surprise. “Babe, can you let me in?”

I flipped the latch but didn’t open the door for him. He came in and I stood with my back flat against the opposite wall, holding my arms so tight, my nails were biting into my skin. Scott shut and locked the door behind him. “Is this too much for you?” he asked in a soft, even tone, prying my hands away from my arms. I nodded and started trying to focus on my breathing.

Scott forced me to sit down on the small stool in the corner of the tiny room. “Jess, you’re hyperventilating, you need to slow down your breathing.” I couldn’t understand what he was talking about, I wasn’t breathing at all, I kept trying but it felt like no air was getting to my lungs. He grabbed one of my hands and put it on his chest. “Breathe with me, okay?” I struggled to concentrate on the feel of the rise and fall of his chest under my palm. After a few minutes, my mind started to clear, and the ringing stopped in my ears that I hadn’t even been aware was there until it was suddenly gone.

“Better?”

“Yeah,” my voice came out in a breathy tremble, “yeah, I don’t know what happened.”

“It was a panic attack. I used to have them all the time before going on stage with my brothers,” Scott sat down on the floor next to me, still keeping my hand close to him, anchoring me to where we were.

“That’s never happened to me before. Scott, I don’t want to be here anymore. There’s too many people and these clothes look awful on me. I just want to go home.”

“Come here,” he said, taking my hand and lifting me from the stool. He deposited me in front of the mirror and stood behind me, hands on my waist, not letting me move away from the image. “These clothes look just fine on you. I think you look beautiful. You’ve been hiding yourself away in big sweatshirts and T-shirts. These clothes actually fit you. If you saw this outfit on Sammie, you would tell her how great she looks and not think she looked indecent.”

Seeing myself through his eyes brought my panic down a few notches. I was able to realize that the shirt was not nearly as low cut as most of the shirts I wore in college. I nodded to myself in the mirror, taking several deep breaths. “Okay, it’s fine. I’m fine. This is fine,” I muttered to myself. I made Scott stand right outside the door as I changed into one of the long, flowing dresses I had picked out. It had swirls of dark purple and blues on an almost black background. I walked out of the dressing room and spun around, letting the skirt flow around me. “Beautiful,” Scott remarked.

I was able to get through the remainder of the shopping trip without another freak out. Scott followed us home and dutifully helped me carry the multitude of bags up to my room. I sat at my desk and pulled Scott close to me, burying my face in his chest. “Thank you so much, Scott. For getting me through that. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you being there.”

“Of course, sweetie, any time.” He placed his arms around my neck and held me close.

“So, you’re not mad at me anymore?” I asked, look far up into his eyes, feeling like a child about to get chastised by a parent.

“Mad? I was never mad at you. What are you talking about?” He pulled away and perched on the end of my bed, looking straight ahead and giving me his full attention.

Oh great, now I had him concerned again. Why couldn’t I learn to keep my big fat mouth shut? I tried to shrug it off, “Guess I was wrong. Don’t worry about it.”

He reached out for my hand, planting a small kiss on it before holding it in both of his hands. “I think I know what this is about. I was never mad at you, I’ve just been frustrated lately. It’s hard for me to sit on the sidelines and watch you struggling, not knowing how to or being able to just fix this for you. I feel completely helpless to help you. Last week when you brought up my…” he cleared his throat, “rather illustrious past it was just a slap in the face that I have no clue what you’re going through. I’ve never had a problem with being physical and it was something that was so special to you and I didn’t even realize it when we were together. I’m trying my hardest to control myself around you but all I want to do is kiss you and fool around like we used to and I know you’re not ready for that yet. So, I guess I was distancing myself to make it easier on myself and didn’t realize how it would look to you.”

“Okay, I can understand that. Thank you for being honest. There is a part of me, getting bigger all the time, that wants nothing more than to go back to having that kind of relationship with you. And I think I’m okay with you kissing me whenever you want,” I stood up from the desk chair and cautiously stepped over to him, moving closer as he parted his legs to allow me to settle into his lap, arms locked around his neck. “And I seem to be okay with hugs and cuddles. Just let me keep my clothes on for now.” I dropped my head to rest in the nook of his neck, pulling in deep the scent of his skin. He grabbed me tight around the waist and pulled us down, so we were laying on the bed tangled together. I made good on my promise and allowed his lips to find mine. I felt breathless and dizzy in a completely different way than in the dressing room. He gently coaxed my lips open with his and let his tongue dart into my mouth. I gasped and felt him go ridged beside me, he started to pull away, but I grabbed him closer. “It’s okay,” I said, before kissing him again.

We continued that way for a few minutes before Scott broke away with a frustrated groan. “God, I don’t know if that’s helping or making it worse.” I chuckled in response, sitting up and straightening out my shirt and hair. “I should go.” He slid off the bed, adjusting the front of his pants as he did so, which made me realize exactly what his last comment meant.

I cleared my throat causing him to look back at me. “Scottie, I’d really like for you to stay longer. Can’t you just… I dunno… go into the bathroom…” I could feel my cheeks getting hotter, “and… you know… take care of it? Then come back and stay with me?” It felt stupid to be having this conversation with a 26-year-old. What kind of grown woman couldn’t do this for her boyfriend?

While Scott was away I changed into a pair of dark blue pajama capri pants and a T-shirt from Scott’s band. I ran a brush through my hair and tried to do anything to keep myself from imagining what Scott was doing on the other side of the wall that my bedroom shared with the hall bathroom. When he came out I made myself shallow the jokes I wanted to make asking if he felt better and about how he hadn’t spent a long time in there. The sweaty flush of his face and relaxation around his eyes let me know all I needed.

I was exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of the day but knew pulling Scott back into bed would not improve the situation. Instead we went downstairs, and I let Scott pick out a movie to watch while I curled up next to him, knowing I would probably fall asleep fast and not caring what was on the screen. I was drifting off to sleep as I heard Heath Ledger’s voice playing the Joker coming through the speakers.

When I awoke sometime later, the DVD menu was stuck on the TV and I could hear Scott softly snoring beside me. I looked over at him and snorted to see him sitting there, head tilted back on the back of the couch. I gently shook him awake and motioned up the stairs, asking if he wanted to go up to bed with me. He blinked several times, looking around as if he couldn’t remember where he was and then nodded. We silently walked up to my bedroom. Scott shucked off his jeans and settled under the covers in his shirt and boxers. He fell back to sleep almost instantly. I hesitated before crawling in under just the top blanket, leaving the sheet as a barrier between us.


	11. Chapter 11

I woke up the next morning, cradled in Scott’s arms. I gently eased myself out from under him and started gathering a change of clothes, planning to take a shower. “What the fuck?” I heard Scott mutter behind me. I spun around and saw him looking around the room, bleary-eyed. He looked under the covers at himself, then his eyes swept around the room again. “Oh, Jess, thank God. I didn’t recognize your bedroom. I thought I fucked up in the worst way.” He sighed and slumped back down against the headboard.

I tossed the clothes in my arm onto my desk and climbed back into bed with Scott. I cuddled against him, sitting in his lap with a leg on either side of his body. “I’m pretty sure you were asleep walking up the stairs. There was no way I was going to make you drive that tired,” I spoke against his chest, “You were snoring. It was kind of cute.”

Scott laughed, which I could feel rumble down through his chest. “I think that was the best night’s sleep I’ve gotten in months,” he remarked, “and certainly this is the best I’ve felt waking up. It’s nice to wake up next to you.”

I could honestly say that I felt the same. It just felt right to be in Scott’s arm, as if they were made to mold perfectly against my body and mine alone. I kissed his forehead and leapt off the bed, grabbing my clothes. “I’m going to hop in the shower,” I let him know.

“I’m going to head home and do the same. Can I come back later?” he asked, pulling his jeans on, “Would it be okay if I plan on staying here again tonight so we can ride together tomorrow?” I looked at him quizzically, not needing to voice the question in my head. “The trial starts tomorrow.”

“Shit, son of a bitch, I forgot. Fuck.” I composed myself and continued, “Yeah, that would be okay. You can stay here, or we can stay at your place, whatever. I can’t believe it slipped my mind.”

He kissed my cheek as he walked past me to leave. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Love you,” he said, opening the bedroom door. I followed him out to the hallway and watched as he went down the stairs, slipped into his shoes and disappeared out the front door. I was still looking down the stairwell when Sammie appeared, spatula in her hand, waving it back and forth between me and the now closed front door. “Was that Scott? Leaving at ten o’clock in the morning? Did he stay the night?”

“Yeah, he fell asleep on the couch. Don’t be weird or make a big deal out of it, Sammie, please. Today is not the day to try to figure out my brain. Scott just reminded me about the trial starting tomorrow. I’m going to be on autopilot until that’s over. This is going to be a nightmare.” She asked if I was going to be riding with her, since she had also been called in as a witness. I let her know that Scott would be staying the night again so the two of them could figure out who was driving. I added renewing my Canadian driver’s license to the growing list of things I needed to take care of.

I got an angry and concerned call from my mother that day before Scott came back. Apparently, there had been a news article printed about the upcoming trial. It was generating national “buzz” because of Scott’s involvement. Even though the band had been broken up for quite a while at that point, his name still held the country’s attention. Over the past two months I had slowly been talking to my family, but I hadn’t told them about what happened for fear of their reaction. I was afraid if they didn’t believe me that it would break the tentative grasp I had on reality and I would just go spiraling. Of course, they believed me that it happened, they were just upset that they had to find out from a friend who had read the article and that I hadn’t felt I could come to them with something that important. It took a lot of begging and pleading and assurance that I was doing okay to keep them from traveling to Toronto for the trial. I had to promise to start Skype-ing my mom at least once a week to get the concern out of her voice and have the conversation turn away from me and onto whatever other family drama was happening. I didn’t pay much attention to the words she was saying but enjoyed listening to the rhythm and cadence of her voice in my ear as I walked around the house, doing laundry and taking care of small chores as she prattled on.

I had hoped that with Scott beside me, I would get as good of a night’s sleep as I had the previous night. It turned out to be a restless night for both of us. My nightmares returned and every time I woke up from one it would take at least thirty minutes to calm myself back down enough to even lay back down. Scott was tossing and turning all night, every time I was awake I could hear him mumbling and groaning in his sleep. I woke both of us up screaming at 5:00 in the morning. I started sobbing as soon as my eyes flew open, my hands searching my body for the wounds that had been there in my dream just a moment before.

When Scott placed a hand on my shoulder, I jumped out of bed, screaming again. “Hey, hey,” he said quietly, hands up and making no move to get closer, “It’s just me. Whatever it was, it was just a dream.”

Sammie burst through the door with a baseball bat in her hands. “What’s happening?” she asked, her eyes zeroed in on Scott, “What did you do?”

“N-n-n-nothing,” I stuttered out, sitting down on the edge of the bed, “I just had a bad dream, is all. Why do you have a baseball bat?”

She lowered the bat to her side and shrugged. “I’ve slept with one next to the bed every since I started living alone. You screamed, it sounded bad, I got scared.”

“Why did you blame me?” Scott asked, narrowing his eyes at Sammie.

“I come in and she’s scrambling out of the bed to get away from you. Seemed like a logical conclusion to me. Happy to be wrong, I’d hate to have hurt you after all the nice things I’ve said about you in the past few months. I’m going back to bed. You all right, Jess?”

I nodded and pulled the covers back up over my body. She shut the door behind herself as she left. “You sure you’re okay?” Scott asked as I settled back into bed. I laid on my right side facing him.

“I mean, no, but yes? I know it was just a dream but, damnit, they feel so real. I just want this over with, so I can stop thinking about. I don’t want to have to relive it in a courtroom full of strangers. I’m scared that they’ll let him go and he’ll come after me or something. I am just tired of that one event looming over me, I’m ready to move on and was well on my way to that before this fucking trial.” I nestled myself into him, laying my head on his chest and pressing my entire body up along the side of him. I never fell back to sleep, just stared silently at the wall, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest under my cheek. I watched as the room slowly filled with sunlight.


	12. Chapter 12

We were all silent while getting ready in the morning. I couldn’t eat anything and alternated between pacing the living room and sitting on the couch staring at nothing. I was just waiting for the time to go by until we were going to leave. I refused Sammie’s offer to do my makeup. I thought the dark circles under my eyes and the scar on my left check shouldn’t be covered or diminished in any way. I wanted everyone there to see the physical signs of the hell George had put me through.

When we were about a block away from the courthouse I heard Sammie let out a curse from the driver’s seat as she slowed and pulled towards the side of the road. “What’s wrong?” Scott asked, sitting next to me in the back seat. He sat up and craned his neck, “Fuck. There’s press up there. A LOT of them. Blood sucking motherfucking parasites.” He angrily flopped back down against the seat.

The scandal of a wealthy family like George’s going up against a former celebrity like Scott had been too good of a scoop for them to leave alone. Sammie slowly and cautiously drove through the few dozen people gathered in front of the building, lightbulbs flashing before we even got out of the car. Scott scooped me up into his jacket, shielding my face and keeping his own head down. We ignored the questions and shouts for a comment. When we got inside, a troop of cops was just coming to the front to start crowd control. “A little late,” Scott muttered as he shrugged out of his jacket. 

Al spotted us and came over, apologetic about the crowd outside. “I really didn’t know this case would generate so much press coverage. I promise we’ll have better crowd control for the remainder of the trial,” he said, shaking the hand of each of us in turn. He led us to the courtroom where the trial would be taking place and we sat where he showed us to.

The big room made me feel more and more claustrophobic as more people kept filing in. I kept a death grip on Scott’s hand, my eyes darting around the room. When George was led in with his lawyer, I dry heaved at the sight of him, bile raising to the back of my throat. He spotted me glaring at him and, with a wink, blew me a kiss. My skin ran cold and my head swam with dizziness. I turned to Scott, who had stood up and taken a menacing step in his direction. I pulled at his hand, which I was still holding and got him to sit back down.

Al had been right about what George’s legal team’s tactic would be. George did not deny having sex with me at all but stated that I initiated it and tried to convince everyone that him and I had been an on again off again “item” for quite some time. I was disgusted and pissed off that Scott and I had to both sit there and listen to these lies. He even managed to drum up some witnesses which claimed to have seen me leading George up the stairwell that night and into Scott’s room.

The rest of that first day was mostly both sides bringing out evidence they would be using for the case. I recoiled from the pictures showing the injuries on my face and body when I showed up at the hospital and the bloody sheets laid out in bags on the evidence table. I could hear gasps and murmurs from the crowd and jury as the pictures were displayed and felt certain for the first time that George’s story was not going to be believed.

When leaving the courtroom that evening, there was enough uniformed officers outside that we were able to get through the mass of people unscathed. I blocked out the questions and comments that were hurled at us, keeping my head down, following Scott’s hand leading me through and to the car. He sat in the back with me again, waiting until we were out of eye sight of the camera to pull me as close to him as I could get. I felt him place a kiss on the top of my head. “One day down,” was all he said. I couldn’t tell if it was meant more for him or me.

I trudged up the stairs when we got home and ran a steamy, hot bath, lit some candles and played soft music as I laid in the water, trying to relax. That one day had felt like it lasted a month. George seemed to be getting off on how awful Scott and I looked. I caught him staring at us multiple times and every time he would smile as if he was holding back a laugh. Whenever George popped into my mind, I had to breathe deep and will myself to start relaxing all over again. I tried to concentrate on the music wafting through the bathroom and push all thoughts of the trial out of my mind. 

Getting out of the tub, I wrapped myself in my robe and ducked into my room. After changing into clothing, I sat down at my desk and pulled out my journal. I just sat and stared at the blank pages, not wanting to pick up my pen and write or draw anything. I was sufficiently zapped from the day and had no desire to do anything at all. I gave up on forcing myself to and curled up in bed, listening to music softly on my phone beside me.

I had listened to a handful of songs when I felt the bed move behind me. Scott crawled in beside me, wrapping his arms around me and, when he realized I was listening to his music, started singing along to it softly in my ear.

“Did I ever tell you that I wrote this song for you?”

“Shut up, you’re just trying to make me feel better. You did not,” I murmured back to him. When he remained silent, I turned around to face him. “Did you really? No joke?”

“Yeah, of course. Kay Bear, I’ve been in love with you since I was little. By the time I figured it out, I felt like I was no good for you. So I just kept it under wraps but every time you came to me about a guy you were interested in or a bad date, it killed me. I wish I had come clean to you about it sooner, if we had been together longer, maybe things would have been different.”

I had no words to say to that, thinking that he was probably right. If things are happened differently between us, I may not be in the situation I was currently in, I didn’t want to agree with him and make him feel any more guilt about what had happened.

Falling asleep in Scott’s arms with his voice singing in my ears did not prevent the nightmares from returning that night. Jess didn’t run over this time with her baseball bat, just stuck her head in, made sure I was okay and then went back to bed. The second time I awoke that night, Scott was already awake, pacing the room. It was almost six am. I figured there was no reason to even try for more sleep, so I struggled out of bed, feeling like I ended up getting a negative amount of sleep. “Coffee?” Scott asked. As an answer I yawned while nodding.


	13. Chapter 13

Day two in court started with the same mob out front of cameras and voices yelling at us. At least we had police officers helping to hold them back as we walked in. That day Sammie and Scott took the stand to give their testimonies. Sammie openly admitted that her and I had never been close, so she had no reason to do anything but tell the truth about what she had seen that night. She went into excruciating detail of how zombie-like I had become in the weeks following “the incident.” I had not fooled her at all in regard to how hard it had been for me to even begin to resemble a human again. 

Scott was grilled mercilessly about every aspect of our relationship. I fidgeted when he was asked, in detail, to list all of our past sexual activities. George’s lawyer seemed to be suggesting with every question that I was lying about being a virgin and wanting to save myself for someone special. I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling out that Scott was the someone special, which is why he was able to get me to go further than anyone else had before him. Scott became increasingly terse and direct with his answers, clearly just as fed up as I was with the line of questioning. When George’s lawyer was done, Al swooped in with a plethora of questions that painted the picture of how very much Scott and I were in love. He went through our childhood together and into our adulthood, where Scott talked about how selective I was with the guys I allowed in my life and how I never got along with most of his guy friends, George included, because of my lack of trust with males.

Then George’s lawyer called up the witnesses that were supposed to prove I had been hitting on George and leading him on all night. I felt their responses had obviously been fed to them and did not match the picture that Al had already established of myself as a person. Al declined the opportunity to cross interrogate each of them, which angered me and caused a swarm of murmurs throughout the courtroom. I narrowed my eyes over to Scott, mouthing “What the hell?” to which he just shrugged. “I’m sure he’s got his reasons,” Scott whispered. Would the jury take that as Al conceding that their testimony was true? Had they seen through the false answers as easily as the people who knew me?

It was a jarring end to the day and felt like a step backwards and a slight slap in the face. When the judge dismissed the court room, I ran right over to Al. “Why didn’t you question them?!” I asked, throwing my arms up in the air, fuming.

“I don’t want to show my hand too early, Jess,” he replied, eyes shifting around, obviously not wanting to say too much more in case we were over heard, “Just trust me, please. I know it’s hard to hear these things being said about you. I have some evidence coming through now that may change everything. I’ve got to go look over all of that and get it into the judge, I needed time for this instead of proving the obviously false testimony those boys were giving. If this evidence pans out, it won’t matter if I questioned them or not.”

With that he scurried out of the courtroom, leaving Sammie, Scott and I looking at each other perplexed. “Jesus, I hope that guy knows what he’s talking about,” Sammie said as soon as he was out of ear shot.

The three of us were obviously shaken by the way the day ended. I felt wobbly with every step, as if the floor may be jerked out from under me at any moment. I felt a surge of anger at the cameras shoved in my face when we left the courthouse that afternoon. I was shaking with rage by the time I climbed into the back seat. “Hey, are you all right, babe?” Scott asked, taking one of my hands and stroking a hand up and down my arm.

“No, Scott, I am not okay,” I spoke with an evenness and clipped tone that scared even myself. Scott pulled back as if my words had physically hurt him. Once I gave into the anger, I couldn’t keep it out of my voice. I was past being hurt by what had happened. I wanted to lash out at anyone to make myself feel better. It was Scott’s fault that George had been there and the losers that had testified in court today had been Scott’s friends. I knew it was irrational and thought I had forgiven him but found a little part of me that still blamed him. I couldn’t look at him and sat with my back to him during the ride home.

It was red and loud and buzzing in my head. I felt like I was falling down a tornado full of bees stinging the inside of my head. I huddled against myself in the corner of the seat, staring out the window, ignoring any attempt by Scott or Sammie to speak to me. I didn’t want to open my mouth, afraid of what hateful, hurtful things may come spewing out. I had never been an angry, moping, or depressed person and didn’t want to put any of those labels on myself but my emotions over the past months had been such a pendulum, I wondered where it would stop swinging. I did not like the rage coursing through my body and did not want that to become my new normal.

The anger and hatred left me just as quickly as it had appeared. It left me drained and disgusted with myself. I locked myself up in my room that night after dinner, tired of the sideways glances Scott and Sammie were giving each other. Their conversation was forced and strained, and I excluded myself from it. I didn’t want to be coddled and tended to. I felt as if my sanity were hanging on by a mere thread and would be determined by the outcome of the next day in court.

I crawled into bed alone that night, leaving the door locked and without a word to Scott. My every last nerve felt stretched to the point of rupture and it took hours to calm myself down enough to fall asleep. It felt like just seconds later that I was awake again, muted sunlight filtering through the window, my heart racing like it was trying to escape my chest.

I slogged into the bathroom and took a shower. Coming back out, I heard noises in my bedroom. I gripped my towel tighter towards me and peered cautiously through the door. “Oh… hey Scott,” I said, watching him rummaging through his overnight bag. I glanced around, cursing myself for not having a robe or something more substantial than a towel to hide behind.

“Sorry, I’ll be out of your way in a sec, just needed to get clothes,” he said without even looking up at me.

My heart sank. “No, Scott, I’m sorry. I feel ridiculous for how I acted yesterday. I’m just so stressed out that something is going to go wrong with this trial.” I edged into the room and closer to him. My hands longed to reach out to him, but I was afraid that my towel would come loose so I kept my arms firmly at my side.

He finally looked up at me, I saw a flash of a stone-hard face before his eyes locked with mine and softened. I feared in that moment that I may have created a fracture that would crumble what we had. Was he going to distance himself from me again for a completely different reason this time? Did my cold shoulder the night before have a long-lasting effect? Would that one stupid night ever stop ruining us?

“We’re all stressed out about it,” he replied, his tone indicating that maybe all was not forgiven. I let him walk past me without trying to stop him. I deserved much worse for how temperamental I had been with him, not just the day before but for the past four months.


	14. Chapter 14

When I came downstairs after getting dressed, Scott handed me a plate of bacon and eggs. “You need to eat something,” he said, concerned, “Sit here with me and eat and let’s talk. And don’t say you don’t want to talk. We need to talk.”

I rounded my shoulders, told myself to pull up my big girl panties, and sat down next to him at the kitchen table. I shoveled food in my mouth just to make him happy. I apologized to him again for how I dealt with the previous day. 

“Please just don’t shut me out like that, Kay Bear. We got into the car and you were like a brick wall. I couldn’t tell what was going on in your head. It scared me. Don’t do that to me please, don’t push me away again. I can’t-” His voice broke and trailed off. He cleared his throat, put his hand over mine and continued, “I can’t start over with another four months like the last were.”

“I just got so mad at the cameras and the people. I realized there is still a lot of anger and hate and fear in me and so, I just spazed a little.” I gave a mirthless chuckle, “Well, I spazed a lot I guess. I felt suffocated and needed some time to clear my head.”

“Okay, that’s all right. Totally understandable. Just, tell me next time, all right?”

“So, are you telling me that if I freaked out again like that and stopped talking to you, that you would just disappear? Just cut your losses and run?” I felt the anger peeking its head again. 

“No… I don’t know… I don’t think so. I’m just saying, it would be hard for me, for us. If we don’t talk about these things, they’ll just fester and ruin us. It’s been a major toll on both of us to get through this as intact as we are. Going through it all, all over again, is just not something I think would be good for our future.”

I had no words to say to that, so I sat in silence. I knew he was right, but I wanted him to be wrong. I wanted him to stay by my side no matter what. I realized it was a selfish thought and that it was too much to ask, anyone would eventually break. I was being a terrible girlfriend and should be thankful that Scott had sucked it up and stood by me for this long. But on the other side, it wasn’t fair of him to give an ultimatum that he may leave if I couldn’t cope. How dare he try to dictate how long it should take me to give over this awful thing. Would he feel the same way if George ended up winning the trial? If he got his freedom and I couldn’t handle it, would I lose Scott on top of everything else?

“I can’t think about this right now, Scott. It is taking everything I have to make it through this trial without going screaming mad. Can we stow this until all of this over? I don’t really think it’s fair to dump this on me right now. You say you’re just as stressed out as I am about the trial but, Scott… you don’t understand. It didn’t happen to you, it’s not your integrity being questioned up there, it’s not your injuries being blown up and shown to strangers in detail. I feel like I have been violated in all possible meanings of the term.” I scooted back my chair with a loud screech and walked off before Scott had a chance to respond.

I dressed in all black that day to fit my mood, a long black dress with a black sweater over top of it. I debated between sitting in the front seat next to Sammie or in the back with Scott. He held the back door open for me, so I obligingly scooted in and he followed behind me. I felt uncomfortable after the conversation that morning, wondering if he was mad or upset with me. I was trying to keep my eyes looking out the window, but they kept straying over to him. After a few minutes, he silently reached his hand across the seat, not grabbing mine but leaving his hand palm up as an invitation. I gave him a small smile and placed my hand in his, using his hand to pull him over, closer to me. I breathed a sigh of relief, maybe things weren’t so broken after all.

That day in court started with my testimony. Part of me was happy to finally get it over with; however, it was hell to get through. I cried the entire time, having to take several breaks to calm myself down enough for my words to be understood. I had to talk about how hard it had been to resume my relationship with Scott afterwards and how I had been struggling with my body image and being able to be touched.

Then it was George’s turn to take the stand. I kept my eyes down and a tight grip on Scott’s hand, absolute revulsion running through my body every time I heard his voice. He snide, confident tone began to falter as Al grilled him about the past girls that made allegations against him and, apparently, had also had some run-ins with the three guys George had used as his witnesses. Then Al dropped the bomb by asking about sizable money transfers out of his trust fund that had, after much tracking down, been routed through various accounts before going into scholarships for those girls. Al suggested that these scholarships were hush bribes that kept the girls from pressing charges or coincided with the girl deciding to drop charges.

George’s lawyer tried to object to the line of questioning, but the damage was already done. George was PISSED and started to spout out at Al. He went on a tirade about how those girls and myself were just begging for it, that we had never had a good fuck in our lives and he was just giving us what we needed. Then claimed that we got cold feet afterwards because we didn’t want to admit how much we loved being hit around. “So, you are also admitting that you hit my client?” Al asked in an even, measured voice.

My eyes peaked up at this, wanting to see George’s reaction. He visibly deflated and tried not to answer the question. Al asked again, and George shrugged and assented. George’s lawyer went into a frenzy trying to fix the damage of Al’s questioning, but it was too far gone at that point. After that, the trial wrapped up with the closing remarks and the jury was dismissed to reach a verdict. They were back in less than twenty minutes, which Al assured us was a good sign.

When the guilty verdict was read for all charges and the judge announced his sentence of twenty years in jail, George lost his mind. He tried to jump over the divider where Scott and I were sitting, yelling that he was going to get me and make me pay for doing this to him. He was dragged away by no less than three police officers. The judge asked me to come forward and commented that I had been very brave and commended me on not backing down even though it had been a hard fight. He also let me know that, due to George’s outburst and threats that he was not going to give the opportunity for parole, citing that George could be a harm to others.

I walked out of the courthouse that evening feeling I was soaring on a cloud. I didn’t even see the press or cameras or notice my surroundings in anyway. My face hurt from smiling so hard by the time we got to the car. “I haven’t been this happy since I saw you in the airport when I first got to Toronto,” I said, embracing Scott close to me in the biggest hug I could manage. Pure, elated laughter bubbled out of my throat and I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.


	15. Chapter 15

I made dinner for everyone that night, humming and singing as I danced around the kitchen. I felt free and validated as a result of the jury’s verdict. The world didn’t seem so dark or scary anymore, there was still good and light and laughter to be had. 

After dinner, Scott and I took a walk around the neighborhood because I was too anxious to be cooped up inside. We ended up at the park, under my favorite tree, laying together and looking up at the night sky. We talked about the trial and how glad we were to have it over and done with it. I commented about how happy I was that we could finally move on with our lives. “So, what does that mean to you? ‘Our lives’? What is the future you see for the two of us?” he asked, rolling over to look at me as I lay beside him.

“I love you, Scott. I know you know that and I know you love me, too. I very much want there to be a future for us, a big future. Now that this heavy dark cloud isn’t looming over my head, things are going to get better, I promise, no more moping and being skittish. I can see a future where we’re living together, maybe even married, raising a family. I feel like we could have it all now that this awful thing can finally be behind us.”

“I do love you, Jess, I love you so much. The offer to move in with me still stands, whenever you’re ready for that. You can wait a few days just to make sure this post-trial high lasts.” He sat up and put his back to the tree, not looking at me as if afraid what my response would be.

I sat up too, and crawled into his arms, straddling his lap. “It’s going to be a yes, I definitely want that.” The smile he gave me as a response lit up my heart like I had swallowed the sun. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sank down to give him a full kiss on the lips. His lips eagerly responded. It brought out a moan in him when I reached out and quickly, softly bit his lower lip in-between fevered kisses. I felt emboldened by his response and broke away from his lips to trail kisses across his jaw line and up by his ear. I enveloped his ear lope in my lips and sucked and bit, going wild from the moans I was hearing from him. His hands roamed down my back and cupped my butt firmly, fingers messaging into tissue. My mouth moved back to his, licking across his bottom lip before plunging my tongue into his waiting mouth.

After a few minutes, I broke away with a gasp, hands on his chest to support myself. My breathing was hard and spastic. “Damn Jess, you are killing me, babe” he said with a smile and a chuckle.

I gave him one more kiss and a grin before I climbed off of him and started walking home. I knew he was watching me walk away with appreciative eyes and for the first time in over four months, it didn’t bother me in the slightest. He eventually got up and caught up with me, swinging me around and kissing me a few times before taking my hand and continuing our way home.

Two weeks later I was packing up my things and moving out of Sammie’s guest room. Things had been going really well with Scott and I was finally moving in with him. It would be a little cramped since he had moved into the smaller apartment, but I didn’t mind. I had also started working at the music store a few days a week. Life was starting to get close to something resembling ‘normal.’

“This place is going to feel so quiet and empty without you here,” Sammie spoke up from behind. 

I whirled around, hand going to my chest, I hadn’t heard her come up the stairs. “Shit, Sammie, you scared the bejesus out of me,” I exclaimed while she laughed. “I’m going to miss you, too.” I held my arms out and she stepped into them, giving me a big hug.

Scott poked his head into the room. “You about ready to go, Jess?” he asked. I broke away from Sammie and leapt into Scott’s arms.

“Yeah, I’m just about done,” I answered, giving him a quick kiss before turning back to my suitcase.

When we got back to Scott’s apartment, it did not take long to unpack. My clothes took up half his closet and my hair care products and make up took over the top of his dresser. He had cleared out a corner of his studio room and set up an easel and a desk for me to draw at. I stacked my journals and sketchbooks on the desk and tore out the portrait I had done of Scott at the park, hanging it up next to my desk so I could see it all the time.

Scott had been tinkering around on an acoustic guitar while I made myself at home. After I got the last of my art supplies put away, I sat at the stool in front of the desk and watching him play a few new songs I had never heard before. They were haunting and beautiful and unlike any other music he had even written before.

“Do you like them?” he asked, putting his guitar in its stand and coming over to where I was sitting.

“I love them, Scottie. I’ve never heard you so open and raw before. Definitely a big change from the stuff your band’s been doing lately.” I reached out my arms and held both of his hands, swinging them slightly from side to side while we spoke.

“Well… the band’s done. We’ve decided to go our separate ways a few weeks ago. I didn’t tell you with everything else going on. I think I’m just going to work solo for a while, see what comes of that.” He pulled me up out of the stool and close to him, my body melding against him and my arms going around his neck.

“I’m sorry to hear about the band, Scott. I know how much of yourself you put into your music and it can’t be easy to see it break down like that.” I spoke with my head resting against his shoulder. I felt completely at peace with myself and my life, safe in his arms with no worries about what the future would bring.

He didn’t respond to what I said but his silence was answer enough to let me know I had hit the nail on the head. Most of Scott’s life revolved around his music, he had been singing and playing guitar, writing music since he had been five or six, before I had met him. Music had been one of the only constants in his life and was the only thing I ever thought rivaled his feelings for me.

I reached up on my tip toes to place a small kiss on the tip of his nose, getting the laughter I wanted as a response. Then I gave him a kiss on the lips that made the laughter die in his throat. I was overcome with a longing and a wanting for him that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wanted to do whatever it would take to make him happy and help him forget his worries, however briefly.

Our lips locked in an aggressive battle as my hands roamed over his tight muscles, easily felt through the thin material of the shirt he was wearing. I pushed up the shirt so there was nothing between my hands and the feel of his skin. He shed the shirt and stood there while I roamed over the freshly exposed skin. I placed kisses here and there and then moved back up to his mouth. He slowly moved his hands down my shoulders, arms and to the small of my back, where he slipped his hands under my shirt and started to lift it. I stepped away and pushed my shirt back down into place.

Scott also stepped back, sighing and running a hand through his hair. I tried to take back the step that I had moved away and reached out to him, placing my hands on his shoulder to keep him from turning away from me. I saw hurt in his eyes and knew that, this time, I was the one who had put it there. I wanted to get physical with him, I just didn’t want him to see my body and I didn’t know how to say that to him without sounding accusatory and wounded.

I decided I would just show him instead. I let my hands wonder down to his belt, which I unbuckled and tore off of him in a frenzy. His eyes opened wide and a low grunt left his mouth. My hands trembled slightly as I unbuttoned his jeans and slid the zipper down. I slowly pulled down his jeans, leaving him in just his boxer briefs. He quietly stepped out of his jeans and stood there, looking at me, his eyes searching my face. I don’t know what he found there but he cradled my face in his hands and brought his lips crashing into mine.

Just as our tongues found each other again, I swiped a hand across the front of his boxers, feeling the growing bulge there. Scott sighed against my mouth and rolled his hips against my hand. I slipped my hand into the opening of his underwear and gripped him loosely. I stroked him a few times and he moaned before burying his face into my neck, sucking and nipping me. “Jess,” he hissed my name as I sped up my hand.

“Scott,” I moaned back, head falling down against his chest. His breathing was becoming more and more spastic and I could feel his heart beating frantically against my cheek. I dipped my head down to run my tongue across one of his nipples before taking it into my mouth and biting softly.

Less than a minute later, he reached down and grabbed my hand, stopping my motion. He let out a long moan, ending in my name as he came. He staggered away from me and sat down at my desk, breathing slowing down but coming out in shaky exhales. “God damn, Jess, I forgot how good you are at that,” he said with a chuckle.

I blushed and went to wash my hand, thinking to myself that I never had any idea it was something I was ever good at. When I came out of the bathroom, Scott had changed into pajama pants but left his chest bear. I changed into my own pajamas and crawled into bed beside him, laying my head down onto his chest and sighing contentedly. “I love you, Scottie,” I whispered.

“Love you too, Kay Bear.” And when it came down to it, that's all that mattered.


End file.
